Anyhoo.

You know how it feels like when you worked hard to make a relationship the way you wanted it but it just won't go that way anyway? That's how I am feeling now. Then some people would say that it's just not meant to be. But how can it not? For me, this is one of the most important ones in my life, and it just had to be like that. It took me 18 years to finally know that it just can't be like that. Maybe there's some other more important factor(s) that I missed, that would make it better. And yet, here I am as stuck as ever....

I get jealous of others. When it seemed to be working so fine for them, like all the problems seem to melt with just a hug or conversation or kiss or words of kindness. There's no such thing like that for me. If there was, then it's initiated by me coz I'm the lovey dovey kind, and a day not doing that is a day wasted. So...how does this go for me?

It seemed that the better (I say better, and not good/best) option would be to...just give and not receive. Yeah well, most people say that will give you happiness. It does really, I've felt it. But not with this. Coz it hurts just to think that it will not get any better. It really hurts.

I am not trying to sound like some martyr or anything, but my life has never been like a normal teenager. Maybe it was because of the way I was brought up, maybe it was because of the way I think, or maybe it's just Fate. I believe it's fate that I was brought up to be who I am today and that this is exactly how I was supposed to think. Yepp, I do believe it.

So maybe it is fate that I have never, ever been like any other typical teenager.

I have never been in a relationship, and I never thought of going into one. I have never been in love with the opp sex (I thought I was). I did not go through the rebellious stage at the right stage. I did not go through the rebellious stage the right way. I never got the phone that I chose (or wanted, coz actually I just love my phone). There's a lot of things I never did.

That may be due to the way I think, the way I was brought up. Or maybe, it's just Fate.

Yepp, I believe it's Fate.

So all I have to do not is just go through with this even if I know I will suffer a number of huge disappointments?

Sure thing, I can do that.

Question is, am I willing to do that?